This Ghost and Roaches

I hate cockroaches. I absolutely refuse to believe they’re God-made.

I mean, really, look at them.

             

Uhh…not that. 

This ONE!

          

I mean what are they here for? What’s their purpose in God’s green earth besides creeping around all the over the place and looking gross?

Can they cure cancer?

Are they ugly-ass Tinkerbells that possess magic dust that helps children fly when they think happy thoughts?

I don’t think so!

So, when one of these despicable creatures decided to play Creep-on-Jay’s-Neck-While-He’s-Sleeping this morning, I introduced it very thoroughly to Mr. Flip-Flop.

Oh-kaay. It was 6am and I was minding my own dreamy business when I heard this disturbing whizz of gossamer wings and felt little legs tickling my neck.

I woke up very quickly after that, slapping at my neck and jumping out my bed. Just in time, a small brown creature I recognized very well scurried under my desk.

Omigod. A fuckin’ cockroach just crept all over me like I was a runway and it was fuckin’ Heidi Klum! And it wasn’t even wearing sexy VS lingerie! WTF!

I did a sort of bunny hop as I took a minute to imagine how long the roach has been doing it.

My lips curled, “Euww!” I immediately reached for one of my flip-flops, morphing into the terror that was Jay, Roach Killer.

It was time for the brown abomination to meet its Maker, which is definitely not God. Hah!

What happened afterwards was a flurry of flipped-out bed sheets, knocked-down book shelves, overturned chairs and the constant slap-slap of a flip-flop missing its target. I chased it under the bed, reached out for it when it tried to fly across the room.

I didn’t know how it got inside in the first place. My door’s always closed and we have screens in all our bedroom windows. I decided to think about that later. I still have to kill it. It was clever; it was fast and has the advantage of flight.

It would fly too close to my face, as if it was taunting me. 

But finally, it made a mistake. It hurried straight under the desk again, wedging itself into a corner. I gave a triumphant yell and brought down my rubber weapon.

SLAP!

Still wiggling its creepy legs.

SLAP! SLAP!

White ooze leaked out of its body.

I waited a moment. It didn’t move. I waited again, but it still didn’t give any signs of life.

Hell yeah! I pumped my fist into the air.

Ding Dong, the roach is dead.

The roach is dead as a doornail.

The roach is now swimming with the fishes. Sorta. :D

I gingerly nudged the roach with my now flip-flopped clad foot and kicked it out of my room. Then I went down the stairs and doused my neck with antiseptic.

I climbed up the stairs again and checked out the dead roach.

It was gone like poof. I looked around for it but to no avail. The smart fucker was gone!

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

The battle is still on as I write this. XD

While I anticipate our final showdown, here’re some facts about cockroaches:

• Cockroach excrement and body parts are major allergens in house dust.

• In some parts of the world, roaches are profitably raised for chicken feed. (I’ll have to examine my next Jollibee chicken meal)

• The world’s largest roach (which lives in South America) is four inches long with a seven-inch wingspan. (as long as it stays in South America, we got no problem)

• The record for eating live cockroaches is held by Ken Edwards of Derbyshire, England.  In 2001 he ate 36 hissing Madagascar roaches in one minute. (I admire and pity this guy at the same time)

• The favourite food of the cockroach is actually the glue on envelopes, the glue bindings at the backs of books and the glue on the back of postage stamps.

• A cockroach can hold it’s breath for up to 40 minutes.

• Some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives. (aren’t we lucky human females don’t breed like them)

• Cockroaches can live for up to a month, without its head. (which makes it easier to flip-flop them to death)

• Ever wondered what the supposed purpose of having cockroaches on the planet at all is? Well try this handy example of a coackroaches supposed usefulness: Crushed cockroaches can be applied to a stinging wound to help relieve the pain. (I’ll try this tip  right after I slit my throat)
  
  
  

                

(Not if I do something about it) XD

Sources here, here and here and here.

‘Til  next time!

—This Ghost